What it's like surviving a relationship with a narcissist

When we met he was sweet, attentive, caring - it was easy to get sucked in, and I did.

The thing is, I grew up in an abusive environment so it was the norm for me. I would actively seek out situations that created turmoil because it was familiar and I found comfort in it. So when the cracks of our 6-year relationship began to show I didn't question it, I went with it.

At first, it felt like the stars had aligned. He made me feel special. He made me feel loved. It felt like a dream, but it soon became a nightmare.

It was subtle at first. He was a covert narcissist and the traits I at first thought were endearing were actually red flags. He appeared shy, humble, and introverted. But underneath was a monster who thrived on manipulation, deception and a need for control.

Conflict would arise whenever I would try to lay down a boundary or express my emotions. He would punish me for it- but in such a subtle way.

He would pick fights with me and then, when I tried to respond, he'd divert my attention to other things and would get wound up. Then he'd criticize me and attack me where I was most vulnerable. He kept on pushing until I cried and then he would gaslight me.

I never once raised my voice to him but he would tell me I was acting up and being irrational. I have bipolar disorder and he weaponized it against me. He made me out to be a crazy woman who desperately needed help. And I believed it. Often he would tell me I needed to go see my therapist, and I did. She'd warn me about him but I'd defend him. I desperately wanted to believe it was me, not him, that was the problem. If I could just "fix" myself it would stop.

He'd hammer it into my head that I was not good enough for him. That I had "problems." Then he would give me the silent treatment for days, only to come back to me with love and caring and comfort. The love bombing wasn't often gifts, it was the love I so craved. And it became addictive.

We didn't live together so it was easy for him to ghost me. And I was so scared of losing him so I let him do whatever he wanted. That included in the bedroom. He was turned on by degrading women and I let him slap me, spit in my face, swear at me, choke me. It would physically hurt but I let him because he told me again and again that the thing that scared him the most was having boring sex with the same person. This was the thing that bonded us. This was our shared secret. I didn't want to lose him so I felt him do things I hated.

 The breaking point came in the form of his ex.

 When we first met he insisted they had never been intimate. He told me they had very briefly dated and were just good friends. This made it okay for him to spend weekends sleeping over at her place instead of with me. They would often share beds, go on vacations and have lunch/dinner dates together. Then he would rub it in my face, and when I said something he told me I was insecure, irrational, crazy and that I needed to work on my issues. He would get angry and then go back to giving me the silent treatment.

The final discard came when I confronted him about it all. A woman he previously dated reached out to me and told me everything. That he had inflicted the same pain onto her. He had her admitted into a psychiatric clinic after backing her into a corner with his gaslighting. That was how he discarded her.

She also told me the truth about his ex- that there was so much more than a platonic friendship with his ex.

I confronted him. I put down a boundary and that was what sparked his final discard. He did it via email. Cut all contact with me. I've never felt pain the way I did when he did that. I was trauma bonded to him and breaking that was agony. It felt like I was coming going through withdrawals. Coming off drugs. I felt physically sick and was in therapy 3 days a week. My psychiatrist wanted to have me admitted to a psychiatric clinic.

But I survived.

I'm in a healthy, stable relationship now with someone who loves me and makes me feel safe. We are so happy and looking back I can see that what I thought was love was something so much more sinister and toxic. I still have flashbacks and get triggered, but it gets lesser and lesser each day.

I'm saying this because I need you to know that there is hope. That there is a way out. And even though it might feel hard, you are strong enough and brave enough to overcome it. You are a survivor. You are a warrior.