I’m in South Africa. I’m 46 years old now.
I was married. Just a note, my husband did not have a fixed income job for the last 10 years of our marriage. I had to provide and worry, and make a plan. He would sell our stuff, when I get home, the things will just not be there anymore. He was a compulsive liar. He believed the world was against him. He was never at home anymore and I must be honest, I stopped worrying about it, because all I hear is lies. He was borrowing from Peter to pay Paul and it was just a disaster.
8 October 2016, I found out that my husband of 19 years, high school lover (23 years together), was cheating on me for 7 years and the girl is pregnant. There were rumors before, but I never had evidence and when I confronted him, he said I was crazy. Wait for it, HIS WHOLE FAMIILY NEW ABOUT THIS AND THEY WERE ATTENDING FAMILY EVENTS TOGETHER FOR YEARS!!!!!
My daughter was starting Matric exam the 10th of October. She was livid and emotional and angry and I just have to deal with all of this, as he was already never home anymore.
I filed for divorce. Did it myself. No money for lawyers. 3rd of December I got divorced. My daughter was my rock. She was standing next to me and was always by my side.
I started chatting with this guy on Facebook. Nice guy, liked everything that I liked. He had a daughter as well. We met 21 March 2017.
We --- I fell crazy in love. The love bombing started. Everything was perfect. 2 weeks later we had a fight, I don’t send him enough kisses and hugs. I don’t have time for him. Sorted it out. My daughter did not like this guy at all. Her words I will never forget! Mom did you see how many girls he has on Facebook. No, I did not, I didn’t check it. I was in love. He deleted a lot of people.
I thought wow! All my prayers are answered. He wants me with him, always go together where we go. I told him my deepest secrets and hurt of my past and said thought finally got somebody that want ME, for ME.
My daughter was finished with school. My son was battling. He did not voice his disappointment in his dad. He got detention points I think like 800 a semester. Failed first and second semester. His dad came to our area, but did not come to see them and that hurt him.
So, New Guy, Let’s call him L. He asked me don’t I want to move in with him. Closer to my work, I can get my son out of this area, in a new school, where there is nobody that know his dad or history, a fresh start. On the other hand, I had a close family member, firing up this bad feeling of my daughter, she did that my whole life.
So my daughter moved. Blamed me for a lot of things, the family member just add fire.
We, my son and I moved in with L. He proposed. I accepted. Started planning the Wedding. Bought a wedding dress. Overnight this man changed completely. I could feel something is wrong. This was 13 September 2017. He blamed my son. Said he cant live with him. I need to go. When I got to work he cancelled the Wedding, changed his Facebook profile and started adding girls again. I had nothing. No furniture, nothing, as I gave everything to my daughter because I did not need it. Where do I go?
My daughter said to me that she had contract with her father and maybe my son must go to him. And I really thought, maybe he will help his son. Teach him to work with his hands, as my son was not performing at school. The only place that I could go is to my Mother and Brother and my son was such a rebel at that stage, they would not have tolerated his behavior.
Moved out end of September 2017. The moment he heard that my son is going to his dad, L started again that he loved me and bla bla bla.
So I stayed with my brother. I had to save money to start over again. I went to L’s place, we had a fight, and he grabbed me on my throat and stepped on my feet and threw me on his bed. I ran out, got in my car and went home. We saw each other after that. October he said again sorry, he is changing his profile pic, and started adding girls again.
November 2017, the same.
Went camping December 2017, because I pay 80% of the expenses, but he had a bakkie. He had a problem with everything and we went home earlier.
April 2018 my son and I went on vacation. I had a problem with my car’s breaks heating up and he begged me that he will come down and drive back with us so if something happen, we won’t be alone. My son was 15 at that stage. I bought him a flight ticket, and again he added girls. He said, o no, its old friend requests, he did not see that and and and. I said to him, you stay the hell where you are, you don’t come down. My daughter came down and we had a fun time.
Back home, I moved into my own place. First time ever that I stayed on my own 42 years old. It was scary for me. I always had my children by my side.
He started phoning again, he misses me. Cant he come and see me. This was on and off the same thing. He would want me, leave me and add Facebook girls. He again somewhere grabbed me on my throat.
I can’t remember all the details in between. He came to a work braai, made a scene there. My children were always a problem and he would always say I want my ex back because he knew something that my ex-husband did and threw that in my face time and time again (my hurt and disappointments in my marriage that I shared with him, trusting him). It was humiliating and he threatened to tell my work people about this. Everything that I told him that hurt me about my past, he used against me in a fight to break me down. He once took me home driving so badly that if it was not for my safety belt, I would be through the windscreen. A 2 litre Cream Soda cool drink started leaking and fizzing out, due to his driving. He said he will kill us both.
I did not know about Narcissist people. I just tried to survive and fight and defend myself against this and the false allegations.
So February 2019 my daughter moved in with me. Me and L was together at that stage. He was a lot at my house and at first everything was fine. He made jokes with her. No problems. End of April L moved in with me. My daughter doing this, doing that. April my daughter was in a motorbike accident and L help me to get her bike home as he had a bakkie and we went to hospital and and. I never ever heard the end of this. How he was there for me and needed to pick up the bike and I owe him.
October 2019 my ex-husband phoned me and said he can no longer look after my son and I must come and fetch him. I prayed for this as my ex did not put my child back into school and I was worried sick about what he is going to do with his life. I stayed in a 2 bedroom duplex and it was hell in that house. My children played online games and L had a problem with everything. The food that my daughter use, although I was buying it, The bathroom, Her boyfriend blowing his nose to much, you name it, L fought with me about.
My children fought with me about L and said that he doesn’t want them close to me, he complains and fight about everything and he snoops around in their stuff when they were at work. Sometimes I just stayed at work not even wanting to go home, as I did not have the energy to fight anymore.
December 2019 we went camping. I had ear infection, was not there with my car and I asked L can we please go to the pharmacy I need eardrops or something. He said we must be quick because he wanted to play games at the pool. Let me just clear he is 50 years old.
When we came to the pharmacy they had a computer problem. He became irritated to wait so I said, it fine, we can leave and go back. I had a bad infection. We got in the pool and he took my hand, and I pulled my had out of his. He pushed me in the pool into some other people in the pool.
The night when we braaied, he said to me, we must get our will’s ready because one of us is going to leave this earth. He complained about braaiing for my son and I so I said leave it, I will do it. Then he said to me I wonder how you are getting your camping stuff back without my bakkie and my sister told him, her car has a tow bar, she will help me.
January to March was horrible in that house. He complained and look for trouble with my children and my daughter’s boyfriend around every corner. My daughter was sitting with me in the Kitchen and he will say to me that “you want your ex back but his girlfriend is standing in your way”. Or your boy will just be as screwed up as his dad. Gas lighting every situation so that there is chaos.
My daughter had a hell of a fight with me. Said I am choosing him over them and either he go or she goes.
I was caught in the middle of a fire that I did not know how to handle.
We booked a boat cruise together and he said he is no longer going. I either must sell the whole cruise or go alone. I’m not allowed to sell his part. I booked extra vacation days. At the end I went alone. March 2020.
I said to L he must go, move out. I cant take this anymore. I was sleeping on the couch.
When I came back from the cruise, Covid hit, L and my daughter moved out of the house. My son went to visit his dad and I was alone.
My daughter blocked me. She hated me and is till today not speaking to me at all. She firmly believes that I took his side against them and I did not listen to them. I had apologized so many times, she just ignore me. So that is it for now.
APRIL 2020 – I cried my eyes out. I was alone, lost 12kg, lockdown and L said he don’t want anything to do with me. He want to be happy. He is spending time with his daughter and he does not want me anymore. He added like 2000 girls on facebook. Kept on sending messages about this girl and that girl and and.
I went to my brother. Last week of April he again started he miss me, he want me back same story. He came to my brothers house and I said I did not want anything to do with him. 30 April 2020 he ask me to please come home, he want to see me. And stupid me went there. He left the following day telling me that he doesn’t want it anymore. I was devastated. I could not sleep, I could not eat. My doctor put me on calming meds, anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I cried the whole time.
June 2020, he started again. Love me, please he want me back in his life and and. Came to my work. We spend some time together. Love bombing, everything perfect. Again he wanted to get married. He will see somebody with me. 5 days. I saw a picture on his phone of a naked girl and I just started crying. I said to him, you know how I feel about this, I’ve been cheated on. You adding girls the whole time is cheating and now this. I just cried. He grabbed me, shake me, pushed me against the cupboards of his flat and threw me on the couch. I just cried. I had a leather jacket on. I begged him to take me home. At first he refused, I said then I will phone a uber.
Got home, switched off my phone and slept. The next day, I took pictures of the blue marks on my arms and said to him you will kill me one day. He sends me a video where he was crying, he is so sorry. He wont do it again.
AGAIN I TOOK HIM BACK. SO STUPID.
Looked for a place to move in together. 25 July 2020 we moved into this beautiful place. We were soooooooo happy. 2 days he changed again.
I said to him a lot of times that he is sadistic and cruel and I think he enjoy it to destroy me. 7 August he assaulted my son, 17. I was asleep, taking sleeping pills, and did not hear anything. Again L said to me, I must go. He cant live with my son. Second wedding planned and cancelled. Again I had to go live with my brother AGAIN. Packed my house, his house, packed out and back in - 2 weeks.
The days before I moved was horrific. He would walk towards me and mocked me as if he want to hit me or bump me with his head. He shouted at me “ I want to be happy, I want to go on with my life, Just go, Just Go”.
The insults began again. Your daughter is this, your son is that. Your children are the problem. They cost you the best thing that ever happened to you. You are bringing this out in me. You will never be happy.
I was thinking about taking my own life. I’m never enough. Nothing I do is enough for anybody. My work was a mess, I was a mess. It was just a downward spiral.
October he came to my work, I said to him sorry not going to happen again. He was seeing other people and adding girls by the day. Whores, prostitutes, exotic dancers and and. He posted on Facebook he is so happy and the girls, young girls, love his photos and comments.
The great pretender!!
November 2020 he asked me to go with him to his yearend function. I did. He completely ignored me. He mingled and left me at the table all by myself. I have never ever in my life felt so humiliated.
December 2020 I moved into my new place.
I went with him playing golf. Saw a heart from another girl and said I’m out of here.
He asked me to join him for a few days camping. Again stupid me went. He had his phone on silent, or turned away that I can’t see the messages. I left.
From January 2021 – June 2021 here was a million whatsups and emails like:
- B*****, w****, S***,
- Who are you sleeping with again (he knew this was special to me and I never ever in my life jumped into bed with men, beside my ex-husband, he was the only other person);
- You are a drunk (I hardly ever drank alcohol);
- You are a liar;
- You like it when married men like your photos;
- Followed me to a bar, when I came out he was waiting for me.
- Followed me to a shopping center, when I closed my door, he opened it. I screamed ‘security’ and he left. • You break up relationships;
This was all only to break me down because this is not the person that I am.
Coming to my house, Pressing the intercom and drive away, calling me. I blocked everything eventually. He could only email me. I have ten thousand emails from him.
June 2021 he asked to see me again. He want closure.
I did. Again love bombing. Buying roses he loves me. Lasted 5 days.
I had to do this. It opened my eyes. His daughter locked her bedroom door. I could not understand why. Then they had a fight and she said to me, You see why I’m scared of my dad. Or are you again going to shake me around again. And suddenly my eyes opened. He is doing the same to his child. She is staying with him because she get away with everything at his house as her step dad was fed up for her attitude. She is doing everything and more that he complaint about my children. Swearing, Vaping, Partying, drinking in his house and he allowed it.
The next day he said to me, I think it is time that you go home……. Actually again chasing me away, AGAIN. I left.
Since then He has been harassing me around every corner.
- Phoned my co-workers.
- He has pictures of me, emailing me and saying he will send it around. I know for a fact that he is talking about that.
- Emailing me with insults – 2000 emails. Horrible insults.
- Coming to my house, press intercom and drive away up to 5 times a day.
- Coming to my work- Security follows him. He will then mail me and say I am waiting for you. • Phoning my work- they had to block him.
- Phoning me up to 184 time a day.
- Then email me again to say he doesn’t want me back but I don’t leave him alone. I mean really. • I had to change my email address of 25 years to stop him.
- I had to ask my work to block his email address on our server as he then started mailing to my work.
I’m busy with a protection order against him and he still doesn’t stop, every single day.
I am so scared that I wont be able to handle/ fight the case on my own but I cant afford a lawyer and I don’t need one by law. But he fights with his mouth! Master manipulator!
My court date is the 9th of June 2022.
My daughter is still not speaking to me. This breaks my heart. I lost the person that was there for me, my whole life. My son is my cornerstone at the moment.
He said to me, Mom, L is the devil.
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