My Survival Story #10 | Written By Kris

My name is Kris. I got married when I was about 26/27. He seemed like the one. They are good at that aren’t they. He always wanted to be out in the truck he was a truck driver. I guess i should have seen that as the first sign but he said he wanted a family. I said many times that you can’t be a dad when you are gone all the time. He honestly didn't care. I still kept that blind hope. I have three kids all with him. 1 boy and two girls. He never had a relationship with my youngest barely with my middle and mostly with my oldest. My oldest has Aspergers. He couldn’t accept it; that ( this is in his mind) “that there is nothing wrong with him. He’s been acting. He’s been carrying this on since he was four.” He’s that quiet intimidating yet kind and caring I’ll give you shirt off my back and let everyone walk all over me kind of guy. Always a show in front of others. He was slowly and methodically destroying me from the inside. I was blind to it. We ended up moving to Texas. He said he’d gone with or without us. I was fighting for our marriage because i thought i loved him but he had helped keep me blind. He took me to Texas to get divorced though he will deny it to this day. I knew he had been cheating on me but I still fought for the marriage. He cut me off from family and friends. Informed me he hated my mom. Things got worse in Texas. He raped me and yes there is martial raped me many times but the courts don't see it. The verbal and emotional abuse got worse. He made me do things that were nasty and vile that I did it to survive. My kids were scared and still are scared of him. It was all about force guess what his mother is the same way. He would become a monster when he was home because the house wasn’t perfect. I finally was able to file for divorce I knew I needed out. I got no help on Texas to get away from him. The last house we lived in we were getting evicted so I packed what I could leaving many many things behind that I should have bought. I took one of my last paychecks which was only $260 and moved back to Iowa where I am from. I moved my kids and our cat and myself back home with my mom. The kids wanted to see family but he had ruin that too and because of all the stress and being scared they want nothing to do with his family. . I respect my kids wishes and I will not force them and the judge gave the kids the right to say no they don’t want to see him. I’ve still had to be their voice. I do not know where he lives except somewhere in Texas supposedly on a house boat. He refuses to give me his address. I’m not sending the kids my kids who all have anxiety and one with Aspergers 20 hrs. away on plane to Texas to somewhere I don’t know where they are going. He broke me down to the point where I don’t know how to talk to people I don’t know. So I stay quiet most of the time. I have social and performance anxiety. We live with my mom. Its not the best at times but its a place to live and I don't have to worry about food clothes showers or getting kicked out. I'm taking a huge step and finding another job as my current one will be done soon. In all the healing that I’ve done with the help of my minister and other resources I have finally gotten to the point where I’m cutting the final chain so he can see he has no control over me anymore. Its time to Rise up from the Ashes and take the controls of my life because he is not in it anymore. We do what we need to, so we can survive. We still have to continue anyway we can and work at healing and letting go. Its the hardest thing to do but we don't need him we never did and we never will.