I’m suspicious of everything he does now. What is he doing? Who is he talking to? What is he planning. He did this in front of me with no shame. Who’s to say it won’t happen again? I know the only thing that will make the thoughts go away is trust and time but it’s hard to live like this. I can’t control him and anything I do or say won’t stop him from making a decision to cheat again. It’s just so consuming and difficult. I’m sitting here in front of him watching him on his phone. Is she better than me? Is his lust for her greater than his love for me? What makes the thoughts stop? I hate myself when I think and feel this way. How can he love me if I hate myself like this?

Never once have I been this insecure. Not one single moment of one single day in almost 11 years. And now every person I see, I wonder if he would prefer them to me. Has he had sex with them before? Did he share his body, our marriage sanctify with them? Did he want to? Would he rather do that than be with me? It’s so consuming all the time. It never stops. Walking down the street. In the car. Sitting in a restaurant. I can’t concentrate. I feel panic attacks coming on all the time. This is not me. This is not who I am. It’s the hurt and the lies and the deception. He did this to me. Why should he be forgiven? Because I love him doesn’t seem to be enough of a reason.

What if I decided to get a job as a hooker? To share my body with strangers. A revenge job. Is that ok? Is that ok that other men use my body the way he uses theirs? At least I’d be making family money not spending it. At least I would have money that was mine so I didn’t have to wear underwear with holes in it because i don’t want to spend money because you’re always complaining about our tight budget. My arse!

My anger is growing and I don’t know where to turn. Reality kicks in and we are back.

Why did this behaviour start when harry was born? Why the hate? Why not just walk away if you’re so unhappy and not provided for? How can I not associate harry with your sins? Why are you punishing us? You say you love us and don’t want to hurt us but your actions show that you are deliberating trying to sabotage our family. Fuck you. If you didn’t want to have a family why did you go through with it? This explains all the comments about not wanting him, and life without him. I called you out on it a bunch of times on your “I hate being his parent” shit. I could never understand it. But now, it just shows me over and over how much you resent me deep down. I’m so angry.

I’m the one back peddling. Making such an effort to repair the damage. If I don’t do it no one does. I know that’s such a controlling thing to say and very egotistical but..... I tried it today. I didn’t make an effort. Or should I say, I stopped making an effort. We are so disconnected right now. You’re moody and down and I’m just lost. It’s so hard to admire and respect you right now. Before it was easier but now it’s just too hard. I’m not making an effort at all. I feel so lonely. And you just mope about. As your wife it’s my job to make you feel loved and secure and I just wish someone would take the time to realise that I need that too. You just don’t do it. Sure you’ve got an injury and I’ve been more than understanding but what about me? My health and quality of life is suffering so damn bad and no one checks on me. If I tell you I feel crap you ask me what I need to feel better. You don’t go out of your way. You again get me to fix the problem. I’m so tired of it. It’s lazy. Just plain lazy.

What makes me wild with anger is the presumption that forgiveness will come. I’ve tried to be supportive and kind. Knowing that our relationship is a team and we are more than this. But I don’t have to continue. I’ve got more reasons to leave than most people. I’ve been violated in one of the worst ways possible and it’s just accepted that I will work on us. That makes me feel like I’m being taken for granted. You can violate our marriage like this for so long and you expect that I will work on us and give you acceptance and forgiveness. You aren’t trying. If you are, it’s not at all obvious to me. It’s pathetic and disgusting. How can I respect you when you’ve just assumed I will take responsibility for fixing things that I didn’t break? It’s abuse and it’s not fair. Of course it makes me angry. It also makes me angry at myself. Because why should I fix things? I didn’t violate the marriage. I didn’t do this and the responsibility for fixing it now lays on my shoulders.

I can’t fix things I hear you say. No. You can. You just won’t. It’s the same with so many things. I can’t do that is not an excuse. You can do many things. You have to try. You have to want to try more than you’re scared of failing. You can fix this but you won’t try.

You have some choices. You can fix yourself or you can fix us. If you don’t fix us, you will have no reason to fix yourself. I’m suffering so much. The anger and resentment builds so quickly and it’s like I don’t have the freedom to feel that way. It’s like I’m not allowed to be upset. Why? Because it makes you uncomfortable? Fuck that. I didn’t do this. You need to eat the consequences. You did this. You did this to our marriage. You did this to me. You chose to me with hookers over being faithful to your wife. They were more important to you than me. How can I just forgive that and move on? I can try but it’s not going to be easy. It’s a long road and you’re not supportive to what I’m going though. It’s all about you and I can’t deal with that. If I saw you trying, then maybe it would be easier.

I want peace. I want to go back in time. But to when? Before you started lying to me? When you were happy with us? Simply having opportunity is not an excuse! What made you do it? What was so wrong with me that this would be ok? I cannot ever trust you entirely again. Only because I did trust you and I was wrong. So very very wrong. I don’t know how I can rebuild that trust. Especially if you won’t take steps forward to meet me. Sure you say the pain is bad but my emotional pain is worse. It consumes every thing I do. Every breathe I take and it’s like you don’t care. When would you rewind things to? Would you answer that? You would answer that with ‘before i did this’ and yes, you’re right. But..... that’s also the ‘right’ answer, but how do I trust it’s the truth.

I’m not being unreasonable. I’m being more than fair and I’m being treated like I’m some psycho bitch that’s over reacting. Yes my emotions are everywhere but that’s reasonable. I believed in us and you didn’t. And that’s crushing to me. I feel like I cannot trust another single soul in the world. You were the one who would be least likely to do this to anyone, let alone me. I trusted you so much and you violated me. You violated our marriage and our friendship and our bond. I don’t know how to forgive that or how to let it go. I want to leave you. I want to be done with all of this. But even if I do leave the hurt won’t be over. It will always remain. And I love you. That love will always remain. So how do I move forward?

I really don’t want to do this anymore but how do I move on? You’re asleep. If you’re not asleep you’re playing on your phone. That’s it. That’s the entirety of us. I’m already single parenting but I have the weight of your mood holding me back. It’s like an enormous blanket suffocating me. Prior to this experience with you, this is the time I would’ve encouraged you to get away. Silly me huh? Maybe you deliberately setting up situations where I would be forced to be sympathetic and suggest you go. I don’t want you here like this.

You realise that I don’t need you in my life, right? I have always wanted you in my life but I sure as hell don’t need you. I can do this on my own.

Written 6/2/2018
Separated 3/1/2019
Divorced 5/4/2020

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