I would love to talk to you. I would love you to hear me, to see what is the truth. The things I’d like to say I know you could not take. You are the eternal victim, which means I have failed before I have even begun. If I say nothing I’m stonewalling, If I set boundaries, I’m abusing my power. As soon as words come they are met with competition, with one up man ship. With deceit and denial. A simple “how are you?” turn’s into a tangle of, you said, I said, paranoid confusion. Each time I have no contact for a few days or weeks I begin once again to doubt my reality. It wasn’t that bad? Maybe, I am making it up? Maybe, I am listening to the others? How did it get this bad? Why didn’t I see it coming? When did it turn? The truth is. It was always bad. I was blind, I needed you to be the man that I could rely on. That was my first mistake. I was Vunarable and needy, you saw that and gobbled me up like the perfect pray I was. Then you kept gobbling. Until you had chewed me up and spat me out, only to chew again once any sign of life returned. You the glimmering peacock with feathers soo bright that shine and dazzle. You the singer of songs, teller of stories, how you shine in the moon light, how you sparkle on the stage. While I the brown hen laden with 6 children, with broken limbs and no sleep. Grumpy and dull. The pack horse, the working dog. I pick up the shattered drunk peacock from the floor. I the brown hen clean the broken glass, the vomit. The aftermath of every party luring in front of me before dawn needing your fill. Pounding at my body like it’s nothing but yours. What? Is this my life? Is this for real? Now one year free. I’m still in shock? I’m still rebuilding. I still shake and vomit when I hear Irish music. I still want you to be that promised land. But now I have my peace. Note I can sit drink tea and watch the rain. My Children no longer need to sleep in bed with me out of fear. Slowly slowly we are recovering. Slowly slowly we are even blossoming. But you will never see this. You will never know these wonderful steps we take as a family. Because you will only see revenge in my swollen eyes. You will only hear the war cry in my voice. For you don’t know the sound of angles. You can’t see the emerging light. For you’re fighting a war within yourself. A war that won’t go away no matter how much you drink and screw or fight. I now leave you to fight some more. With yourself, your friends, your lovers. I walk away with my heart in pieces so I can find my peace. I wish you well. I wish you find peace. I wish you would just leave me alone.
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