Rosy retrospection and I think -- how? Perhaps I give myself reasons for having stayed with you ... because it sure was painful. Less than six months into our relationship, on our way back from Bruegger's, I asked what took you so long in a frustrated tone. You responded by slamming your half-eaten breakfast sandwich into my face, and spitting the rest out onto my face as well. Particles of food and saliva dressed me as I stumbled out of the vehicle. And you sped off to go pack up your things at my house, while leaving me several miles to walk home. You had not a care in the world, and I - I was shocked and devastated. But didn't I go right back. I wanted you so badly to be good. You leave me with memories of shoving my pregnant body to the floor as I held our young daughter, and kicking me repeatedly after knocking the wind out of me. I called the police out of pure fear, as you bolted out the door and into the woods behind our house. I covered for you that time, like I had and would so many others, doubting my courage soon after each attack. Emotionally terrorizing me brought you so much joy, but the welts and physical destruction always cycled back around. Your last hurrah was on the evening I thought we finally achieved something great co-parenting status. We agreed in custody mediation, and I distinctly remember telling you I was "finally ready to be friends" (after five years of abuse, after your sudden criminal episode when you put our children's lives in jeopardy to begin stealing large furniture, expensive electronics, booze, etc. from the resort job you were spoiled by, after the numerous affairs when I told you I wouldn't uproot my family to move to a military town where you were convinced you'd be viewed as a God). Looking back I believe you laughed inside hearing those words. Later that same evening you forced your 6'4" body in between my legs, and told me you'd "slap the shit out of you if you don't ...", you forcibly raped me. You took again, after three months of separation and not a single intimate moment during, after being told no and struggling beneath you. You caused a lot of damage that night that I couldn't just move forward from. You disappeared from the lives of our children after breaking into my house and dumping all of their belongings inside without a word about it, then you lied to everyone in your life (and mine), by telling them I kept you away, that I made up you raped me. You did! You're a rapist, we can add that to the list of terribles! You're a fucking liar who manipulates our eldest - whom adores you -by feeding her stories about the what and why, and I can't badmouth you, so she's eating it right up. You are poisoning her mind and childhood. Earlier today she asked me, "Do you regret keeping me away from Daddy for a year?", and though I had to tell her that NEVER happened, I couldn't be honest with her and I don't know if the future will allow me that opportunity when she is finally old enough to understand; years of lies will be buried deep within her. So immeasurable enmity for all that, and I hope with everything I am that one day you are better, and my children, especially my nine-year-old who appears to be your main target, isn't a dumping ground for your manipulation and revenge. Get well soon, shthd!
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