I just want to know why. Why didn’t anyone tell me there were signs. Why didn’t anyone ask if he was a narcissist. Why didn’t my therapist tell me all of the signs and his reactions in therapy were because that’s who he is. Because that’s who narcissists are. I’m not angry he is gone. I’m upset that he is the way he is and was the way he was. Even 15 years ago when I got pregnant he told me he would not make any trips to get me late night cravings. I can remember taking myself to the store for a $3 dessert. Why didn’t I see. Why didn’t I know better. Part of this really is my fault. Had I known he was a narcissist, I would have spoken to him differently. I would have responded differently. We may have fought less. The love and relationship had been over for a long time. We both knew it. We lived together as roommates for our son. I just wish someone would have suggested I took a hard look at him being a narcissist. At the very least, I could have spoken to him differently and maybe we would have fought less.
I wanted all of these things for us. I wanted a partnership. I wanted to grow old. I wanted to go on adventures. I wanted a friend. I lived with hope everyday despite knowing it was just fantasy. But I knew no matter how much I tried it just wasn’t in the cards. I knew I could hope and change and work all I want but if it’s one sided then it wouldn’t ever turn out how I longed for.
But had a I known I was talking to him wrong and listening wrong. Had I realized he was what he was, at least we could have fought less, cried less, and had a more enjoyable life these past 15 years. It would have ended the same. And I’m ok with it. But it’s hard to not beat yourself up because you didn’t recognize the signs and adapt to a different way of responding to the bs that he brought to the table.

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